March 1, 2025
Greetings,
I was struck by two of CS Lewis’s essays this morning: God in the Dock and Before We Can Communicate. Both touched on the issue of difficulty with language and meaning, which often plagues our relationships and activities.
Communication is complex. I have a thought in my head. Certain assumptions, background knowledge, and intentions support it. Now, unless I bring these into the conversation, you have no idea what they are. You will often insert your own. This is how one can make an innocent statement of fact, and the listener concludes it is intended as a personal attack. This also happens with the chosen words. Our language is full of interesting nuances. I take my thoughts, wrap them in certain words (as I understand them), and then speak or write them to you. You received those words (with your understanding of them) and proceed to unpack the meaning. Anywhere in the process there can be a breakdown that prevents communication.
While serving in Montana, I visited the new pastor of a neighboring church. We were enjoying hot dogs at his parsonage with his wife and children. Being a playful young boy, his son did something to me as a prank. I laughed and said, “You little bugger.” His son looked upset and so did my friend. He asked, “Why did you call my son that?” I was shocked. Where I grew up, we called such little boys “little bugger” meaning like a little bug that pesters—they’re like a mosquito buzzing around. But my friend was Canadian. In the UK and Canada, a bugger is a molester of children. Boy, I was shocked to say the least!
This even happens with unspoken communication. While stationed in Korea, we were bivouacked in a small Korean village. We GIs loved this because the village kids would surround us wanting to get candy and see the men they called Round Eyes, or Big Noses. It was fun. Well, playing along, I reached for one child’s nose and said, “I got your nose.” I’m sure you all know the hand gesture I was using (thumb sticking out between the first two fingers). The poor kid suddenly screamed and ran off crying, while I stood there dumbfounded. A Korean soldier standing there asked, “Why did you flip that kid off?” Guess what that hand gesture means in Asia! To this day, Amy teases me about the Korean man who is probably telling his children about the evil American who was mean to him.
I say this to point out that communication is far more complicated than we assume. It is best to assume the other person has good intentions. Don’t assume your first emotional reaction is the right one. Your own background or understanding may have gotten in the way.
In Christ,
Pastor Ken